I think his name was Tony

Anthony maybe

My first outside friend

We’d rehearse scaring friends

He was a trouble-maker

But not as brave as me

Older and ignored

By his grandparents

Who raised him

And he’d come and go

I liked him a lot

He was not what I was told

People on the outside would be

He was lost but warm

A sinner but thoughtful

A nonbeliever but valuable

I was raised to think I was better

Cautioned to keep my distance

And this was when I knew

They are wrong on the inside

At least about him

Friendship of this mutual kind

Should have been a fountain

You feel veins

That’s new

Pronounced enough

To be detected

And it is clear

Like a-ha

You enjoy that

Your eyes tell

Your fist acts

I enjoy knowing

That I could

Easily take

Your ear

Since you

Like you

More than him

And, well,

now we know

He’s the same

Slowly to the door

Feigning surprise

Who could it be

Unknowing universe

Lo and behold

Let’s wait 3 months

How ’bout that

3 torturous months

Boy in his room

Thumb in his mouth

Abuser abuser

Abuser abuser

People person

Hiding hiding

You are the fastest thing

I ever tried to forget

You really really really

Messed up back there

What were you thinking

Slowly to the door

With the itch

Comes swelling

Comes burning

Comes worry

Comes a lost night

Just because

Some mysterious thing

Made contact with me

Or me with it

It’s maddening

To cake up

And burn

Paralyzed

To know that

I will hide

For several days

So that no one sees

Me before healing

I worry constantly

That tonight

Will rise

3 meters more

And I’d have made it

But you turned

And walked away

So I didn’t have to

Face one of your faces

Yes, you saved me

Yes, you gave me

One more clarifying moment

For others to see who you are

And for that I thank you

For that I walk away a star

And you, always you

A shiny wanter

Unhappy wanter

You make everyone see

Crystally

Clearly

Mesmerizingly

That beautiful birds poop

Nobody who is not dead

Wants to be called dead

Understandably

But I heard an old friend died

Though I don’t know

If it is true or not

For the person who told me

Gives tongue massages

This person, the dead, was older

Yet perhaps my first real friend

He saved me and surfaced me

He helped define “good” and “man”

And he risked and dared

That was his thing

And though some only saw him

As a greasy street kid

I was very honored

That he liked me

And I know that

He saw me

She liked me

I tickled her

She was gross

I’m sorry to say it

But I was so little

Deathly disturbed by dirty things

And she was a smoker

Who lived for smoking

The worst I’ve ever seen

And she had a pet deer

And a lesbian daughter

And cancer had taken

Part of her tongue

And she scared me

But she loved me

And thought I was funny

She had use for me

Room for me

A soft spot

And seemed to be

The very first who

Liked me for me

Settle down

Easier said

We all have

A young adult

Who has not died

Within us

Who is restless

Unfound

Unplanned

Eager

To go go go

And he wrestle

She wrestles

Belonging

And is too young

To know

Theology of place

And the God-pull

Of the deep need

To circle and stay

Settle down

Easier said

We all have

A young adult

Who has not died

Within us

Who is restless

Unfound

Unplanned

Eager

To go go go

And he wrestle

She wrestles

Belonging

And is too young

To know

Theology of place

And the God-pull

Of the deep need

To circle and stay

Something

Dropped

Slowly

Down

The stairway

In glimmering

Shadowy white

And captured my attention

Like a fairytale

And a holiday

And warm

Was the sound

Of the song

Of Knowing

A longing

Is coming along

That is that

Which is only divine

Coming down

More and more

Over time

And you stand

Frozen

In good fortune

Of revelation

That splinters

Out light

Eventually awake

And the climb

Will be easier

Oh grace